I just discovered a treasure trove of Don Marquis’s writing at http://www.donmarquis.com/readingroom/index.html
You can go there and burst alternately into tears over the accuracy of his social commentary and into peals of laughter. A childhood favorite of mine was “Archie & Mehitabel”, his story of a journalistic cockroach named Archie who typed articles on the office typewriter by throwing himself head-first on the keys, and his friend Mehitabel the cat, who was once Cleopatra but has been reincarnated to a lower estate.
At this site, you can read a lot of Archie and Mehitabel stories, but also this masterpiece of tongue-in-cheek Wobbly philosophy, which reminds me of Carl Sandburg’s (and Utah Phillips’s) song The Good Boy:
Selections from Chapter XXXIX
(Advice for the Golden Years)
“The Almost Perfect State”
By Don Marquis, 1927
By Don Marquis, 1927
No matter how nearly perfect an Almost Perfect State may be, it is not nearly enough perfect unless the individuals who compose it can, somewhere between death and birth, have a perfectly corking time for a few years. The most wonderful governmental system in the world does not attract us, as a system; we are after a system that scarcely knows it is a system; the great thing is to have the largest number of individuals as happy as may be, for a little while at least, some time before they die.* * *A MOTTO FOR YOUR DESKHEED NO MAXIMS
STALE AND OLDEN
THAT BID YOU GARNER
WORLDLY SPOIL!
SHAME UPON YOU FOR THE GOLDEN
HOURS YOU WASTE
IN SELFISH TOIL!* * *In the Almost Perfect State every person shall have at least ten years before he dies of easy, carefree, happy living — things will be so arranged economically that this will be possible for each individual.* * *Personally we look forward to an old age of dissipation and indolence and unreverend disrepute. In fifty years we shall be ninety-two years old. We intend to work rather hard during those fifty years and accumulate enough to live on without working any more for the next ten years — for we have determined to die at the age of a hundred and two.During the last ten years we shall indulge ourself in many things that we have been forced by circumstances to forego. We have always been compelled, and we shall be compelled for many years to come, to be prudent, cautious, staid, sober, conservative, industrious, respectful of established institutions, a model citizen. We have not liked it, but we have been unable to escape it. Our mind, our logical faculties, our observation, inform us that the conservatives have the right side of the argument in all human affairs. But the people whom we really prefer as associates, though we do not approve their ideas, are the rebels, the radicals, the wastrels, the vicious, the poets, the Bolshevists, the idealists, the nuts, the Lucifers, the agreeable good-for-nothings, the sentimentalists, the prophets, the freaks. We have never dared to know any of them, far less become intimate with them.* * *Between the years of ninety-two and a hundred and two, however, we shall be the ribald, useless, drunken outcast person we have always wished to be. We shall have a long white beard and long white hair; we shall not walk at all, but recline in a wheel chair and bellow for alcoholic beverages; in the winter we shall sit before the fire with our feet in a bucket of hot water, with a decanter of corn whiskey near at hand, and write ribald songs against organized society; strapped to one arm of our chair will be a forty-five caliber revolver, and we shall shoot out the lights when we want to go to sleep, instead of turning them off; when we want air we shall throw a silver candlestick through the front window and be damned to it; we shall address public meetings to which we have been invited because of our wisdom in a vein of jocund malice. We shall … but we don’t wish to make any one envious of the good time that is coming to us. … We look forward to a disreputable, vigorous, unhonored and disorderly old age.* * *(In the meantime, of course, you understand you can’t have us pinched and deported for our yearnings.)
